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Playing With Fire

I was six or seven when clinically diagnosed as a pyromaniac. My first “fire school” session we all were assigned a few images to assess the probable cause of a theoretical disaster, which assumedly ended horrifically with cinders scented of singed hair and disbelief.

My photos were of half-melted little plastic soldiers, a gas can, hot dogs, and a child’s party hat; you know, the one with the drawstring poorly threaded through two holes in a flimsy cardboard cone. How is a six year old meant to dissect such a collection of arbitration?

Without a moment of hesitation, I began to pen down a narrative (in red ink, which the “fire-safety” groupies just love). I couldn’t tell you what it was about or why that moment inadvertently derailed my therapy session for a much larger portrait that was yet to be canvased. I just recall feeling as if these people were lying to themselves. My single digited perception of moral reasoning told me undoubtedly that I was the only one in that uncomfortably chilled room who knew what I was.

A child. An early-stage psychopath in the making. A Pyromaniac (which goes without saying). Sage and storyteller? That was new to me. The serenity felt from casting objective existence into ash and carbon would have its shadow multiplied exponentially when compared to the verbal imagery that my young mind would create from an otherwise mundane moment in time.

In the eight minutes it could minimally take a double-wide mobile home to incinerate completely into a “was,” I would have written a sonnet for Ifrit, detailing the lavish cracks, pops, and whirring of heat pressure reaching out at my face like a newborn in its first months.

Suddenly, I evolved. I was once the matchstick, giving the gift of impermanence liberally, but now I was the gift! Writing became my fire and I would use it to illuminate ideas, incinerate my fears, cremate anger, and otherwise facilitate a reasonably healthy mode of internal release.

Am I still a pyromaniac? Well… Not erratically.

Real Growth

I just had a hell of an epiphany while writing that last post. Here’s the thing; I spend an inordinate amount of time pondering shit that means absolutely nothing in reality. Things that, truthfully I wish I could erase from my mind. I’d give just about anything to go back to the way I used to ponder things. Maybe the answers became too simple or perhaps they got tangled into one another, creating a web of incomprehensible bullshit that I can’t even begin to find an end to. Either way, I’m numb to the profound and I’m dead to the superficial.

I had just realized however that I can go back to my old way of thinking. I’ve been so stuck on mindfulness and non-bias observation for such a long time that I often forget that I have to take action for life to happen. I sit idly as I watch the world pass by and I just observe it and make bland criticisms (which isn’t truly mindfulness anyway) about how dull life really is and I find myself trying to explain this way of thinking (you may have noticed this in past posts of mine) but I now realize that what I am doing… Is trying to bring everyone into my dark, cynical, bland corner of existence.

For that, I must apologize. I am no philosophy expert, I am simply the embodiment of “misery loves company.” I am sorry.

Walking around without the ability to see life in color is on par with purgatory. It’s ironic too, considering my pen name (Death In Technicolor, hehe) I need to be more mindful, not of the obscurities in existence, but in the vibrant beauty that can be found in the superficial. It’s ok to feel the warmth, and smell the flowers, and be cute and corny. It’s ok to go on walks and dates and feel alive.

It’s ok…

I spend so much time thinking about the things we do as humans that I forget to just let those things occur. I expend effort NOT letting myself lose sight of our inherent insignificance as humans. I remind myself (and others) often that we are just specks of dust on a speck of dust… It starts to get to you, ya know?…

I need to start living my life again, instead of finding excuses not to, while telling everyone else how they should be as miserable as I am because I look at the world in a grim way. It’s time to evolve 🙂

Thank you, WordPress for allowing me the opportunity to learn about myself more and more! I have a feeling this post will be a dividing line between a darker version and a more “teknicolr” version.

Growth

Metamorphosis-

1a. Change of physical form, structure, or substance especially by supernatural means.

1b. Striking alteration in appearance, character, or circumstances.

2a. Typically marked and more or less abrupt developmental change in the form or structure of an animal (such as a butterfly or a frog) occurring subsequent to birth or hatching.

How often do we internalize the events that occur throughout any given day? Probably a lot more often than we would like to admit. Some examples:

“You wouldn’t believe what happened to me today!”

“Why is this happening to me?”

“I can never catch a break!”

Everyone

Sound familiar?

It’s hard to imagine the occurrences we observe as random. As simply fleeting moments that we must have the presence of, in order to make calculated judgments to coordinate our next logical move.

Instead, we take the happenstance personally. As if the universe has some grand plan to make our individual lives better or worse. Never forget, you’re more than you think you are but you’re also far less. You may be (As Carl Sagan would say) the “universe experiencing itself subjectively,” but you are also an atom of a molecule of a strand of hair on the balls of an amoeba.

Round’ and round’ we go…

I’ve digressed, so allow me to get to the point! All of these things, events, actions, reactions, and everything else applicable; though seemingly pattern forming, are completely at random. You see a pattern only because from your perspective everything must be connected since everything is within the same scope of view, right? Well, where else would it be?… Everything you know is connected simply because it is everything you know; I hope that makes sense…

Lemme put it this way… your actions, no matter how large, will never create ripples in Antarctica. Unless you have some Hitler-esque master plan to destroy the world and somehow manage to achieve it…

Ok, here’s my actual point lol…

Negate everything that I just said.

You are meant to internalize these events because without doing so you’ll never achieve growth. You’ll never evolve without pain, adversity, struggle, anguish, discomfort, etc.

Without taking the world seriously, we would remain blank mindless ragdolls just tumbling through life, never learning how to get back up and make better choices and take better, more accurate shots at what we want in life. Without the ego to tell you that you matter; you wouldn’t…

Remember this; growth is achieved through adversity. Metamorphosis is achieved through time. There are never going to be exceptions to this and if you can think of one I would be delighted to have that discussion with you.

So today, go out and get yourself into some uncomfortable situations. Learn from them. Then come home and tell your friend, or wife, or blowup doll (whatever) about what happened to you today. After all, who else would it happen to? 😉

(EDIT: I had NO idea about the spider in the title picture until after I published the post, but it actually fits the post rather well, so I think I’ll leave it where it is. Radness.)

Insatiable

In my first blog post, before beginning a rant about how I came to love writing, I mentioned that I was clinically diagnosed with Pyromania; this is not a fabrication. It really happened and I really did spend a fair amount of my childhood in therapy.

I’m not writing about this to “boast” a rare condition. It’s nothing that I pride myself on but it is something I had to overcome, and it’s something I still learn to live with every day.

Pyromania is an incredibly rare condition that has strict diagnostic criteria that must be met. This is even rarer in young children and even MORE rare in cognitively adept children. It’s estimated that well under 1% of the general population can be diagnosed with Pyromania; meaning that I fit somewhere in the range of 0.0XX%.

Pyromania is in the class of disorders known as “Impulse Control Disorders.” These include others such as gambling addiction, kleptomania, and Intermittent Explosive Disorder (which sounds far more dangerous than it actually is. It’s nothing to do with actual explosives; it refers to tantrums.)

How

The earliest I can recall needing to set fires is somewhere around the time I learned to speak eloquent sentences; maybe four. It’s common to exhibit fire-starting actions in those early years; especially for young white boys. Still, after the first few instances, I guess they started to take note of the prevalence and consistency.

It wasn’t until I used a Zippo lighter to incinerate my grandma’s Dodge Shadow, that they (“they” being my grandma and local authorities) thought it best for me to undergo fire education classes. That instance could have taken lives; the car was so close to our apartment building that it melted the siding off of the building. Also, my grandma was helping my aunt move at the time and she had almost everything she owned in the car…

It sounds like a joke, but my aunt was unfortunately a huge fan of collecting wicker baskets and things of that sort; making the car burn that much faster. What terrified my grandma was that she thought I was in the car. However, it went something like this:

I was waiting in the car for my aunt and grandma to grab the last of what they were putting in the car to move. I had found a Zippo in the center console that belonged to my uncle. As you may know, Zippo’s aren’t exactly child-safe. I opened it, and lit it and clumsy as I was in those days, I dropped it between the front seat and center console.

As any child would, I panicked. I opened the passenger door and moseyed my way out and into the backdoor of the apartment, where I would hide under something that I can’t recall what it was; a table or bed. It wasn’t until after the sirens were blaring and I heard my grandma screaming my name so fearfully that you would think I had died, that I decided to come out.

I found grandma in the cloud of onlookers and she grabbed me and held me so tightly, I’ll never forget that moment. All I kept saying was “I didn’t mean to do it, I didn’t mean to do it!” That day is forever seared into my brain for many reasons. One is that I saw the look of true terror on my grandma and aunt’s faces that can only be felt from being truly horrified. I’ll never forgive myself for that.

Another reason is that it was the tipping point facilitating the landslide of fire education classes, therapy sessions, and aversion tactics that I would undergo. It would also be the start of a self-loathing that I still can’t shake to this day. Which of course trickles down, creating other problems.

After a few times of being through fire education courses it was apparent that I needed more than just education on the subject. So I became the youngest person in the states history to undergo fire aversion therapy, which mostly entailed holding my breath while looking at flames. I never did get to enjoy the little shock nodes lol However…

The local fire chief had an idea that would definitely leave an impact on me to this day. I was taken to the burn unit of the local metropolitan hospital and was made to watch a severely burned patient receive skin grafts. It was one of the most macabre things I’ve ever witnessed in person. I’ll leave you to imagine the details.

What It Feels Like

It begins as an itch. One that I can’t scratch no matter how hard I try because it’s not on my skin, it’s in my brain. It just builds and builds until it becomes a nervous twitch, then an anxiety attack, then eventually it becomes so strong that I would rather end my life than go another moment without feeling that infernal release.

It is worth noting that a person with substance or alcohol abuse cannot be diagnosed as pyromaniac. However, it’s common for a person previously diagnosed to become dependent on drugs or alcohol later on. If you are an addict or know someone who is, then you have some sort of an idea as to what it feels like to be what I am.

Personally, I have struggled with drugs and alcohol since I was merely a teen. I started smoking cigarettes around the time I started therapy; six or seven years old. It wasn’t until recently (maybe within the last two years) that I started to notice other impulses spilling through the cracks. These were behaviors that I didn’t see as abnormal, until realizing that they weren’t common.

Some of this incudes: impulses to cause myself discomfort, to apply pain to certain receptors depending on the situation, to tense up my muscles in certain situations, fidget, among others.

When I say “cause discomfort” or “apply pain” what I mean is… take your hand and outstretch your fingers. Now begin to make a fist, but stop halfway; take that second knuckle and place it between two of your upper ribs, then apply pressure. It hurts but almost tickles in a way, right? I have the insatiable urge to do this sort of thing many times throughout my day, usually without realizing it. I’ll hold that painful pressure point for as long as I can, pressing harder and harder until the anxiety leaves my body, and I can breathe normally again.

Oddly enough, this carries over into my sleep. I pinch myself and my girl; hard as hell too… I’ll wake up to a punch like “what?..” and she’ll be pissed saying I pinched her hard enough to wake her up. I feel terrible, but I’m entirely unaware of this occurrence when it happens.

Are You Nuts?

I had therapy sessions until they relieved me of the diagnosis, stating that I was “in remission” as if I were a cancer patient. From then, I simply learned to deal with it on my own. Self-medicating and working with mindfulness meditation, I think I’ve come quite a long way!

Time will tell, but for now at least I’m old enough and capable of starting some badass bonfires; one benefit of this whole thing… I can start a fire during a blizzard in the freezing rain faster than most people can get a bonfire going in the summer with a bunch of cardboard. Silver lining, I suppose.

I’m Not Sorry: Step-By-Step Guide On Overcoming Guilt & Shame

It always feels as if there is so much complexity to the reasons we feel bad about things. As if the feeling is impossible to rid ourselves of without that one distinctive answer that seems just barely out of reach.

I can’t say for certain whether the answer to anyone’s personal pain is within their immediate grasp. However, I do have some good news on the subject; the fundamental reasoning for the pain we all experience is simpler to understand than it is to feel. It can be broken down into two basic terms. Guilt and shame.

Guilt

Guilt is the resulting emotional response to an act or circumstance which we feel we caused. For instance, if you pulled the chair from behind your sibling as they were sitting down, whereby they broke their wrist trying to catch themselves; you feel bad because you caused their pain and suffering. This is guilt.

Shame

Shame is a little more complex but still a basic feeling nonetheless. Shame is the opposite of pride, with regards to one’s self-esteem. It is not the result of a circumstance we caused, rather a badge of self discord that we carry when we are wrong or are made to feel that way.

The latter can be explained as a victim of abuse who had no control over their plight, and yet they are shameful due to these unfortunate circumstances. This is because they were made to feel as if they did something to cause their own suffering when in fact they didn’t.

The Steps

These two things go hand-in-hand and can very easily build each other up by reflecting off of one another. Similarly, they can build themselves up without the other being present.

It’s important to note that some guilt is healthy! Just as some shame is likely well deserved! It is when these emotions fester and become self concentrated that they become very unhealthy and burdensome to carry.

This is why we have to learn to shed these burdens by practicing self-forgiveness. It is the only means of realizing the triviality of these two negative feelings and overcoming them altogether! Below is an outline of the methodology that may be employed to overcome guilt and shame.

Step 0: Accept The Circumstances

As with any other emotional healing process, you must first accept the reality of the situation and accept every part of your immediate relationship with it. Accept yourself as you are right now and accept that you will change and that you have changed. By doing this regularly, you already have initiated the very first step to forgiving yourself!

Step 1: Pinpoint The “How”

It’s one thing to accept your current situation or to know why you feel the way you do. It is entirely different to understand and know how you came to this juncture.

Think back… There is usually a series of events that set this spiral into motion. See if you can work backward to find the first event and understand the decision(s) that made that a reality. Do this mindfully, as it is easy to become trapped in the whirlpool of “what if’s.”

When you find and single out the event or decision, take personal responsibility for it. This isn’t to say you should blame yourself, especially if the circumstances were out of your control. Rather, you should own the responsibility of carrying the weight that it brings. No one but you can carry it and no one but you can own it, by releasing yourself of the burden.

Step 2: Learn The Lesson

What about these choices or happenings changed you? What parts of your personal strife have chiseled you out of concrete into the statue that you see in the mirror? These are important questions that need answers if you are to overcome this.

You wouldn’t be the person you are right now without adversity. So don’t just see your past mistakes; take accountability and wrangle them to the ground! Study the ways you took wrong turns then figure out how to avoid these turns in the future.

We’re only doomed to repeat our mistakes if we do not carefully scrutinize and reverse engineer them, so to speak.

Step 3: Let The “Old” You Know You Forgive Them

It sounds cliche and maybe it is, but affirming dialog is one of the most effective ways to build yourself up. So don’t psyche yourself out by thinking everyone can hear you; just go for it!

Step in front of the mirror and tell yourself “I forgive you.” It will actually be the most effective if you picture your younger self; maybe you were a child, a teen, etc. Picture the “you” that let this all fester, to begin with then tell them out loud, in detail “I forgive you for breaking our sister’s arm, etc, etc”

When you forgive this child within, or whatever the case may be, you are actively beginning to heal!

Step 4: The “Now” Becomes “Then”

Now that you’ve come this far, it’s easy to say “well, I’ll never do that again.” It’s also easy to get comfortable and fall into the “that’ll never happen to me” cycle.

So from the time you forgive yourself (it may take some time and repetition before you start to feel and truly know it) you have to start learning from your falls and implementing your strategy, whereby you won’t repeat the same mistakes!

Try to imagine this… Where you are now, you came to by making certain decisions, right? Your present moment is heavily affected by the past “you.” So it’s reasonable to assume that in the future you will be affected by the decisions you make at this very moment.

So try to live mindfully and by the time you are your future self, you can reflect on what you’ve done and know that your “then” has given you a more positive “now!”

Step 5: Stay True

It’s so important to remember this one fact that we all seem to forget.. We’re ALL human. We all make mistakes and we always will. Granted, some mistakes take us more steps backward than others. Still, we are all human and we all bleed red. We all have our faults and we all have our shining moments.

You will fall again and you will make mistakes. It’s essential to know that these are not irregular… Things happen and not always for a definitive reason. Nevertheless, don’t beat yourself up and don’t take life too seriously; no one makes it to the end of this movie anyway! Live, learn, and most importantly… LOVE!

Thank you for reading! I hope this helps you in some way!

Energy, Frequency, Vibration: Part I

Can you hear it? The hum that seems to never cease? The ringing in your ear that you don’t always notice, but can’t seem to shake once you do?

The universe is constantly vibrating, as well as everything in it. In fact, it’s more appropriate to say “everything in the universe is vibration.” It’s what holds everything together, in a manner of speaking. At the atomic level, atoms give and take electrons between one another to balance their individual stability.

This seems irrelevant to us, because we can’t really see it in action on a regular basis. The thing is… You DO see it in action, constantly! This is because, well… you exist! You’re here to read this text, which means that you haven’t broken apart at the atomic level!

Sure, it’s easy to claim such a thing with no hard evidence. Yet, the proof is in the research, and in the implementation. Think of Hiroshima; that is the result of splitting atoms. When you break the vibratory structure, you create a vibration that is infinitely more disruptive.


Nikola Tesla, has been a common reference in many modern scientific works. He can be noted for giving us the ability to take things for granted such as GPS, and wireless charging. Things that, truthfully, should have been available to the public ages ago.

While we may not have been able to enjoy Wardencliffe Tower, in those days, we can still be astounded by his research. The things that he was certain of, as if they were simply common knowledge, would still change the world even today.

One such discovery, was the electrical grid that the planet created. The atmosphere holds a large amount of electrical charge, and this is evident in multiple ways, but the fascinating thing is how it moves! It isn’t free flowing as you might think, but rather controlled by the Earth’s polarity.

This is what Tesla hoped to achieve with Wardencliffe Tower, was universal free energy, pulled directly from the Earth, as it truly is a generator of sorts. I digress…

That same electrical grid is part of what keeps those vibrations in tune. The electromagnetic frequencies surging through the atmosphere, are what I personally believe, give us conscious experience. That too, is digressing lol

Did you know you could listen to certain frequencies, and benefit from them? You could also be hindered by them! There are specific tones that resonate with your bodies nervous system, which are the vibratory equal to therapeutic massage.

I started to work with these frequencies, and even started recording them very recently. They do wonders for the meditation sessions. They are more commonly known as “Solfeggio frequencies.”

Check the YouTube video below! If you think I’m onto something, give it a “like” while you’re there!